La Première Entrée: Hypochondria, Homework, and a few Judo chops to the face

So, this is my very first entry as a blogger. woooo!

I’ve got a livejournal account, but it’s more for my friends and I. This is more like a public diary. Some people think it’s very self centered and attention grabbing to think that someone would want to read the intimate details of your life. I've always felt that it just let's people read about what most anyone else is feeling. It's the narrative of your everyday life, and that always intrigued me.

And hell, for all you know, I could be making this all up.

Whatever. I’m private about a few things, and those will be excluded, but mostly, I think I’m doing this for my own sanity. And who knows, maybe someone will get a laugh out of my posts and my personality. And we always need more people laughing in this world.

I’ll just start with things that have been worrying me as of recent.

My dad passed away two weeks before my twentieth birthday, about 7 months ago. I didnt stop crying for about two weeks straight. I wanted to get it all out while I was excused from school and work. I thought I was all right, I was so exhausted from crying that I just wanted to get back to Orlando and back to things that were familiar, back to things I could handle.

7 months later and I find myself sobbing in the girls bathroom at my cousins wedding during her Father-Daughter dance. It really surprised me at how overwhelmingly upset I got, and it kind of worried me. Now, I’ve ALWAYS been a worry wort, from as FAR BACK as I can remember… but lately, it feels almost unhealthy. I feel frail, and ill, whether physically or mentally. I’ve been thinking about seeing a therapist for it all... I found out I’ve probably been having panic attacks, usually right after I think of my dad or something particularly stressful happens.

I keep having nightmares about my eyesight failing and my boyfriend leaving me and dying in car accidents (I know these are all unwarranted and ludicrous but hey, if I lie about what I worry about in an online blog... then, well that's kind of sad) and then I can’t breathe, I feel like my head is spinning, like I’m about to pass out or just die, and I feel removed from reality and its just SO BIZARRE. I think that if I see a therapist I can kill all these weird, ‘am I going crazy, do I have a brain tumor’ worries that are almost constantly running through my head so recently.

But then I have to explain why I’m seeing a therapist to everyone, and I really dont know how my boyfriend or half of my friends would react to it all…

…I always prided myself in being the seemingly normal one of my very messed up (but loving) family.

There's also the fact that ALL I've been doing these past couple of months has been working or studying... and I'm finally starting to feel the repercussions . Hanging out with my friends more has helped, but what I really need to get back in the habit of is excercising. Dancing or jogging (or hell, drawing standing up for 6 hours) used to give me an excellent outlet for all my retarded little worries, and gave me an overwhelming sense of calm when I was done... one that I haven't felt for a long while.

On the brightside, I got a glimpse of some calm two nights ago after I went down to the Johndo Dojo (my boyfriends garage with a couple of falling mats... it's actually a pretty sweet set-up) with my boyfriend John, and his roommates Andi and Beau. We practiced some Judo (which I prefer doing to Aikido) and I really had a good time with it. The freestyle ground grappling is retardedly fun, and I actually used and noticed a couple of things we had been practicing earlier in the night, which is always a good sign, yes?

I've got to make a more earnest try at learning Aikido though. It's hard right now because I'm so busy, but once classes are out I should have time. John swears that it'll get better if I stick with it, so I'm going to trust him and see. He seems like he really wants to get me into it, whether it be because he wants to utilize my n00bness to practice his teaching skills, or he justs loves it so much he wants to share it with whoever he can(I'm the same way with art and art history).... so I'm going to at least give it an honest try.

And on that note, I should quit procrastinating my homework.

I’ll update again soon.

Happy Blogging,

Beekz

PS - Since I’ve always kind of thought of blogs as opinion columns, I highly recommend ‘30 Days of Night’. The ending was kind of dorky, and I havent read the Graphic novel, but it gave me nightmares, so it’s thumbs up in my book =)